Diaper Diva

389

Story by Diane Haynes Woodburn

Diane Haynes WoodburnWelcome to our spring issue! Reflecting on the season, Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote, “In the Spring, a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.” What he could have added: “which often leads to diapers.”

I went shopping for diapers a few days ago. (No, not for myself, not yet).

Our young neighbors Kaili and Jeff Scheer are expecting their first. Becky Speere (MNKO’s dining editor) and I decided to host a small brunch at my house in honor of the expectant parents (and baby). I couldn’t wait to go shopping. Who can resist those adorable tiny clothes, cuddly stuffed animals, cozy blankets?

“What do you need?” Becky and I asked. “We really have everything,” our friends replied. “The nursery is stocked; all we need now is diapers.”

Diapers? My heart sank. No toys, no blankets with silk ribbons, no frilly rompers that only a grandma would love. Buck up, I told myself. For once in your life, purchase something practical. How hard can that be?

Holy cow. Have you perused the diaper aisle lately? I felt as though I’d fallen down the rabbit hole. There are dozens of absolutely unrecognizable brands. Some diapers are earth friendly, some are contoured, some look like blue jeans. You can choose organic cotton, Egyptian cotton, bleach free, extra absorbent, ultra comfy, polka dot or plain. There is even a brand that has a wet alert—the pattern turns a different color when the diaper needs changing.

Imagine that. Suddenly, and without filters, I do. I imagine our friends walking around in pants that light up when the wearer sneezes unexpectedly. The grocery store would look like a Vegas showroom. “Oops,” some sweet old lady might giggle, “I’m a little lit.”

But I digress.  Perhaps I need to do some research before I make this purchase. No diapering experience for more than thirty years can put one at a distinct disadvantage. But I’m intelligent. I know how to Google “diapers.”

Oh dear. Did you know there is a store devoted to adult baby-diaper lovers (ABDL)? I’m not kidding. There is an actual brick-and-mortar store just for adults who enjoy dressing in diapers. The store brags a full line of snappies bodysuits; they even have a seven-and-a-half-foot crib and an oversized rocking horse. Who knew? But again, I digress.

I choose a link to the most recommended brands. Unfortunately, I find the brand names way more fun than the information. Some of my favorites: Bottombumpers, Mamy Poko, Econobum (this one cracks me up), and Fuzzi Bunz. (I imagine this to be big in the ABDL world). Also Happy Heinys, Bumgenius (now there’s an image), and my absolute favorite, Tiny Tush. There are some seriously fun folks in the diaper business.

Clearly, I will have to call on an expert. The brunch is tomorrow, and I am completely undone in the diaper world. I send an emergency text to my niece Rebecca, who has the most adorable three-year-old in the world (since mine grew up), and whom I trust implicitly. Rebecca sets me straight on which PC organic brand to buy; she even recommends a box or two of the ones that change color—just to give the new parents a leg up, so to speak.

I head to Target, where normally I would be lost in a labyrinth of consumer overload. But today, armed with information, I am a Diaper Diva. Deftly, and with purpose, I pass by those wannabe brands and head straight to the right stuff, filling my cart with close to 1,000 diapers —this baby is covered!

The next morning, Becky and her husband, Chris, arrive to help host our brunch. The table is laden with cheeses, fruits, homemade bread, Becky’s breakfast casserole with farm-fresh eggs, and a liliko‘i meringue pie. Our guests arrive: a glowing couple awash in the excitement of the new life they are about to experience.

“Did you get the diapers?” Becky asks in a whisper when it is clearly time to bring out the big box of baby loot.

“Yep,” I answered. “You wouldn’t believe how much fun I had!”

“Life goes on,” my father would say. Wishing you a spring filled with sunshine, new beginnings, and people you love.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here